Issue 5: Attention Earthlings: Self-Isolate Before You Annihilate.

This is my personal survival guide to the Corona Virus. Now I would be a silly man not to hop on this bandwagon in terms of writing a piece on it, I don’t mean actually getting the bleedin’ thing. Anyways, when I think Corona Virus, I think a few things: food, Netflix, water, reading, internet, bread, the stonk market, writing a shite blog, college, learning, online courses, YouTube, etc. So as you can tell, my thinking about such a serious manner is a little bit unorthodox and unprofessional. To paraphrase Jurgen Klopp himself, “Why are you asking me about the coronavirus pal? I’m a soccer coach.”

So I decided to get serious and ask myself the question of what I would do if I needed to self-isolate myself? What would the fam do if all of a sudden the whole all of us got it? In such a case I think it is wise to hit up our main man Abraham Maslow and his big massive theory on the hierarchy of needs. So for those who don’t know ‘Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs’, as the saying goes “Google ih”. I hear that knowing this theory correlates greatly with surviving the big COVID-19. Now that I have insulted a good few people by my lack of seriousness I can continue. So based on Maslow’s theory we need to satisfy our needs in the following order: 

  1. Physiological Needs.This includes the good and wholesome stuff like air, water, food, sleep, shelter, and clothing. Now what stresses me out is that I don’t how to get food sorted if no one can leave the house. Like how will my mam do the shopping? Maybe Devan Hughes’s ‘Buymie’ can save the day. Or everyone will just hope the Chinese is still open and we can just order some lovely Chicken Curry, or like a Spice Bag. But they probably got bit by the big C-Dog by now too. Anyways food is the one that has to be sorted out. 
  2. Safety Needs.I don’t think this one matters as much. It’s like a job and all that, but people can just go on the dole. I’m sure the lovely government has this one sorted out for us (fingers crossed). 
  3. Love and Belonging Needs.Also doesn’t really matter because EVERYONE will without a doubt abandon you. Like I would I guess everyone will just be texting each other to check-in if their homies are still breathing, but do they really care if they got their own breathing to worry about? 
  4. Esteem Needs. Respect, self-esteem, status, recognition, strength, freedom. Right so, you don’t really have the freedom to leave your home which is a bit shit. But I guess self-esteem is good if you don’t have the virus. I think there will be a blow-up in influencers who haven’t got the disease. So if you don’t catch it maybe this will be your moment to shine. Maybe you can be the light at the end of the tunnel. But then again when everyone else dies, there’s a high likelihood you’ll be bored so your popularity for being all healthy won’t really matter.  
  5. Self-actualization Needs.This is by far my favourite one. It is the desire to become the most that one can be, however, if you’re sick, hungry, unloved, and dead, it doesn’t really matter what you can become or desire. Sorry for being so frank. So sorry to be a party-pooper but realistically speaking maybe you won’t become that astronaut you dreamed of becoming. 

Sorry for being such a buzzkill but I hope you got the point! The point being: stock up on food because if we don’t satisfy the first need all the other ones don’t really matter. And the real reason I’m writing this is because I feel a flu brewing inside of me, and want to impart my last piece of wisdom upon you in the possible case that I don’t make it. Stay safe my comrade, and in the unlikely situation that this is my last written piece, I want to impart a top-tier, fully evolved, master ball quote upon you that I stole from a personal friend of mine Naval Ravikant: 

“A healthy man wants a thousand things, a sick man wants one.” 

Extra: I finally made an Instagram and a website so check them out! Also please remain calm during the virus outbreak in Ireland.